Fly on the wall dispatch from the bug stuck in the chewing gum embedded under the Honorable Finance Minister’s desk in her office
Government officials, economists and industry representatives met Hon’ble Finance Minister in her chamber. On invitation from the Hon’ble Finance Secretary, CEO Bonda opened the discussion, bearing a sombre expression
CEO, Bonda: Periodical downturn has coincided with policy changes. Second half of this fiscal should be better than last year. Many youngsters prefer gadgets over cars. They postpone car-buying by four or five years or whatever time it takes them to reach a stage where they are comfortable owning a car. Indian automakers are now on a par with Europe and America in terms of quality, but the purchasing power of domestic buyers has not grown enough to afford the increased product prices. You see the whole country of the system is juxtapositioned by the hemoglobin in the atmosphere because you are a sophisticated rhetorician intoxicated by the exuberance of your own verbosity…
Hon’ble Finance Minister: Whaaat?
CEO, Bonda: You see such extenuating circumstances co-ask me to preclude you from such extravagance…
Hon’ble Secretary, NITI Aayog: Whaaat?
CEO, Bonda: Excuse me, please! You see the coefficient of the linear is juxtapositioned by the hemoglobin of the atmospheric pressure in the country.
CEO, Haarle ji (taking charge amidst the atmosphere of confusion and shock in the Hon’ble Finance Minister’s chamber): Chup. Bilkul chup. Fingers on your lips. Heads down.
CEO, Bonda (gleefully): No desk, Boss.
CEO, Haarle ji: Biscuits nahi bik rahe hein. Factory band karni paregi.
Hon’ble Secretary, NITI Aayog: Amma kya baat kar rahe ho? Itne bik rahe hein ke bhav aasmaan chu rahe hein. What slowdown?
Kaamdev Baba (croaking and out of tune): Mere desh ki dharti sona ugle…
Hon’ble Finance Minister (sternly): No, Ronduu Kumar. Please!
Kaamdev Baba (promptly): Okay ji. Abhi lo. Jahan daal daal pe sone ki chidiya karti hai basera, vo Bharat desh hai mera. Hai koi slowdown?
CEO, Haarle ji: Aapka kehna wajib hai. Sone ke biskoot khoob bik rahe hein. Magar, khaane ke nahee khareed pa rahe hein log. Humme factory band karni padh rahi hai.
Hon’ble Chief Economic Adviser (looking pleased): We are no LDC (Least Developed Country). Food habits in the world’s fastest-growing economy have shifted — to cakes.
(Breaking into a little jingle; eyes sparkling, smiling broadly, barely able to contain the excitement.)
Suit-boot ki sarkaar
Ka yehi hai chamatkaar
CEO, Ghata: Bhai saab, joote, sandal, chappal tak nahi bik rahi hein. Aap cake shake kha rahe ho.
Hon’ble Finance Secretary: Amma, kya baat karte ho? Mere sir pe ek baal dikha doh.
CEO, Rockey: No one seems to need Rockeys.
CEO, Aasmaananjali: Woh toh sabhi yog karne lage hein, toh longot hee chal rahe hein. Rockey Wockey kya karna hai.
CEO, Rockey: Are people going to offices in langots?
CEO, Bhag Ache Hein: Possible. Detergent sales are down. Langots must be some use-and-throw variety.
Hon’ble Finance Secretary: Itni dhulai ho rahi hai – jailon mein, thano mein, kheton mein, sadkon pein. Jahan dande chalte hein, wahan detergent nahi chalte.
CEO, Fortune: Tel nahi bik raha.
Hon’ble Secretary, NITI Aayog: Toh kya dande paani se pel rahe hein? Professional pessimists.
CEO, Amul: Ji Janaab, kya baat kar rahe hein yeh log. Makhan toh kam padh raha hai. Dukkan pahunchne se pehle hee truck khaali ho rahe hein.
Hon’ble Finance Secretary: Aapko mantriyon ke chikne chehre nahi dikh rahe? Har koi laga raha hai. Meri maane toh aap bhi laga ke jayen.
CEO, Bonda (unable to keep finger on lips or head down): Dada Saheb Phalke Anthony Gonsalves keh gaye, Siya se aisa kaljug aayega…zu zu zu zu zu zu…he he he he…tu ru ru ru ru ru ru ru…Roopanagar premagali kholi number 420.
Kaamdev Baba (mimicking Suron ki Devi, Lata Mangeshkar): la la la la la la la…aaaaaaaaa…la la la la la la la….aaaaaaaa aaaaaaaa…la la la la la la la…
CEO, Bonda: Yeah…Bade bade log yahan he lekin yeh yaad rahe: sachha pyaar gareebon ka baaki hai khel naseebon ka.
Hon’ble Finance Minister: Excuse me, pleaaaaase.
Hon’ble Finance Secretary: Hon’ble Secretary, NITI Aayog, please continue.
Hon’ble Secretary, NITI Aayog: Madam, what slowdown? New auto entrants with exciting new models are cruising! Haarle ji and Bonda ji have no idea.
Hon’ble Finance Minister: Right. People are consuming so much nationalism. Who says consumption has slowed down?
Hon’ble Finance Secretary: No slowdown, Madam.
Nayika Kumar, TV Queen: Jab log deshprem mein dube hote hein tab sarkaar unhe jeene nahee deti aur deshprem unhe marne nahi deta. Tab woh TV dekh dekh ke aur gehre doobte jaate hein!